


No Chill

by echo_thread



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Romance, Attempt at Humor, F/M, Fluff, Force Bond (Star Wars), Melodrama, Sexual Tension, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-20 23:32:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14271954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/echo_thread/pseuds/echo_thread
Summary: Renperor has no chill, and even less experience with women.A maudlin melodrama in space.





	No Chill

Kylo Ren stared at the grey wall in front of him. It was stable, immutable, cold, everything his psyche wasn’t. It had taken some hours after the battle of Crait for the full impact of trauma to hit him. The initial numbness had shielded him long enough to return back to his quarters, a small blessing. As though he could be anymore humiliated anyway, he had to almost laugh. That’s OK, his humiliation would rebound into tormenting Hux, his new punching bag.

He returned to his own small, spartan room. Snoke’s private chambers were no doubt resplendent in comforts he was never afforded, but the thought of going there with his grief and defeat….no. He was in no state to face the full realities of how he had been abused and manipulated by that creep.

Rage had been a temporary refuge when that scavenger girl had left him, but he couldn’t go there now either, the bitter sting of regret blocking his way.

He thought back to when Rey had arrived on the Supremacy. Her appearance had touched him to the very core of his soul, ignited a ferocious storm of feeling he had to quickly quash to replace with a strenuously held poker face. Did she really feel enough for him to risk her life? Even despite having witnessed his darkest and most debased moment, the murder of his father? The faith she had shown in him formed a tendril that deftly snaked past all his walls, all of the defenses he had cultivated over a life filled with abandonment and betrayal. The tendril wove its way into his heart and electrified him with a strength he could hardly fathom, powerful enough to usurp the most dangerous man in the galaxy. It was a strength that drained out of him just as quickly when he realized she wasn’t there for him, but to save the Resistance.

So there was the regret. Regret that he fell for it, allowed himself to hope. Regret that he drove her even further away from him with his pitiable jilted rage. So pathetic.

And Luke, he couldn’t even begin to process that. A part of his soul was still on that saltpan on Crait. Smeared and splattered like so much refuse. 

So the refuge he sought was found in the cold dead wall. Perhaps it could be my mentor, Kylo rued. It didn’t judge him when he paced, when he cried, when he savaged it with his saber. It didn’t fall, or fail or break unspoken promises. It was there when he couldn’t sleep, or eat, or concentrate. His dearest friend, the wall.

Not that he needed a witness to know he was imploding, irreversibly. Somehow he maintained the charade with Hux, domineered over military meetings, pushed relentlessly with bold new plans of annexation. Underneath he was terrified his empire would turn on him, destroy him in a flash. He was not skilled in the delicate arts of manipulating countless underlings into submission, his methods were crude and bred resentment. Anyway, how long could he maintain control if he had hardly any over himself. He just wanted a friend. He wanted Rey. So badly. So excruciatingly. So hopelessly. She didn’t want him. 

So when the impossible happened, and she appeared in front of him without warning, he was lost for words. The shock that the force bond still existed didn’t help. He stood ashamed, beaten. He couldn’t even bring himself to look up at her. The girl he was no doubt in love with. She didn’t say anything either. Kylo was sure she had done enough talking with her friends and confidants. Bolstered in their mutual hatred of him.

He waited for the connection to close, so he could move on with his bitter life of hopelessly longing for her. His eyes shot up when he heard a sob emerge from her. Her sun kissed face was contorted into a mask of pain, tears running down from her tightly closed eyes. And then she was gone.

No. NO. He had miscalculated again. He punched a wall and his knuckles cracked. More time in bacta. This couldn’t get any worse. If only he could just be there with her, appease whatever fears she had, lay himself at her feet like a carpet. He had just stood there, and now she thought him even more reprehensible. His room wouldn’t survive this attack he knew. He was now decimating it to the degree that he would have to move.

 

***

 

He moved into Snoke’s boudoir. His rightful place as the monster that he was. He would lie down in that enormous, plush bed and embrace his own despicable nature. Or castigate himself with self-loathing, he couldn’t tell yet. He undressed himself almost ceremonially, like for a funeral pyre, a sacrifice. Snoke had won. Ben Solo was now so damaged and demented that it was far too late for any remedy. He should just accept it, and rule from that empty throne the way he was clearly destined to do.

He peeled of his boots and started on his pants. The charcoal black of his clothing contrasted starkly against the rich gold fabrics and finishings. His bruised and scarred carcass contrasted against the elaborate craftsmanship of the furniture. Snoke was ugly too, how fitting, Kylo thought. 

Rey appeared again standing directly in front of him, looking as much like a Jedi as he’d ever seen.

It couldn’t be. It was mere hours since the last time. He felt himself blanch then redden at his state of undress, at the depravity of his surroundings. He grabbed an embroidered cushion for some modesty, not really knowing why.

She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms.

“Maybe if I had known you have such a nice bed I would have joined you.”

“You… you can see it?”

“I can see everything. The link seems to be getting stronger…” She reddened and looked away. “I was kidding by the way… about the bed." 

“Yes. I know.” The awkwardness was crushing. He felt naked in more ways than one. She only needed to reach forward with the force to access the contents of his lovelorn mind. He didn't have the strength to hold her back.

“Are you alright?” If she is than so am I.

She looked up at him, suddenly undone, mouth searching for words. 

“Yes. No. Not really…” She seemed to be searching for the exit, but that’s not how this connection worked.

“Do you hate me?” His voice cracked. There was far too much vulnerability in it. He didn’t know what possessed him to ask, he wasn’t prepared for her answer. She froze, huge eyes trained on him like ion cannons. He couldn’t stand the scrutiny, he had to look down. At the ridiculous gold cushion in his lap, at his white feet.

“I want to.” It felt like a slap. Force have mercy. “...but I can’t.” Her voice cracked now too.

“Why did you try to kill me?” Her gaze swiveled back to him and Ren’s gut twisted inside him with guilt. Tears welled in her eyes, but she suppressed them with a bitter laugh. “I was actually surprised!”

Kylo felt himself slide to the floor and onto his knees. To grovel? Or disappear into it?

“Please, it’s not what I intended…” there was nothing he could say to make up for how he had acted, he knew it. It was so hopeless. He frantically searched for a gesture he could make to show his regret, his remorse.

There was one his addled mind could muster.

He force pulled his light saber into his hand, it’s cold weight so familiar in his grip. Turning it into himself, he rammed it into his diaphragm (more painful, slower) his fingers ready at the switch.

“Tell me to do it and I will do it!” _I might do it anyway, away from you so you never have to see such a pathetic sight._ A part of him desperately wished for the permission to go ahead, so tired of the ceaseless torment of his life. The other part just nodded cruelly – yes, this is what you deserve. Another part laughed at himself and his childish gesture. So pathetic. You’re in front of this woman that you love, and instead of telling her so, you do THIS. He rammed the hilt deeper into his gut with resolve. _I will silence you all._

Rey slapped him. She seemed on the verge of hysteria. Then shock. The fact her hand connected with his cheek hung in the air between them. She looked at it open mouthed, than back at him.

“Stop! Stop being this… you. Just stop it!” So they had another thing in common. As if he hadn't tried. 

She walked over to a seat and swiped at it with her hand to see if it would pass through it. There was a slap as it connected with the wooden back. Another moment of amazament, but it faded quick and she collapsed into it, lurching forward into her knees, arms wrapping around herself protectively. Ren thought she might vomit. He had managed to make things worse. 

It felt like an eternity, they sat there silently in their respective heaps waiting for the connection to end. It didn’t. There was no easy way out, the force was playing a twisted game with them. Fuck the force, all it ever brought was pain.

Rey sat up again, leaning back, face as grey as her clothing, eyes unfocused. Then it hit him, she was here, really here, however temporarily. He could do something to make each second more tolerable for them both. He jumped up and pulled on his pants. His sudden gesture drew her eyes, but she looked away just as quickly, turning a deep pink. He went commando under his pants so she saw way more than she bargained for.

“Err, um, would you like a drink?”

“Uh… sure.” She didn’t sound sure at all. 

Ren walked over to Snoke’s table where he had previously seen several decanters of what looked like wine. There was only one glass. Of course. He opened one container and smelled it, the fumes almost stripped the lining from his nose. He opened another, a much more fruity blend. He poured the dark orange liquid into the glass and brought it over to Rey. She took it suspiciously. Ren returned to the first container and gulped it down greedily.

Rey smelled her beverage with a delicate animal like gesture, before taking a small sip and screwing up her face.

“You’re accustoming to the life of an emperor well.”

Ren was reminded of that this all looked like to her. The room was cavernous and every detail displayed the height of ostentation. Never mind the smoldering heap of his real quarters. He took another big swig of the liquor. It burned as it ran down his gullet, warming him inside out. He wasn’t much of a drinker but one takes refuge in strange things in strange times.

“You couldn’t be more wrong, but I don’t blame you for thinking so. 

“Oh well, this doesn’t really suit you, I have to admit.”

“What would suit me?” She gave him a poignant look but held her tongue.

“Anyway, this is Snoke’s bedroom.” Rey’s eyes suddenly bulged and she sprayed a mouthful of wine all over the floor. Her laugh was glorious, a delicious screeching cackle virtually raping the gloomy air, head thrown back with abandon. It died down to snorts and giggles as she downed another gulp of wine. Something inside him ignited the way it had when he saw her crammed tight into her escape pod that fateful day. The fire illuminated whole rooms in his heart that had laid completely dormant… maybe forever.

“We did it” Rey toasted her glass at him and a smile lit up her face. His heart melted into a puddle, he melted into a puddle. There it was, a camaraderie, they were a team, as though things never went so catastrophically wrong with his proposal. She was a goddess, she must have been. But just as quickly her face fell and so did his heart. They had gone down a different road.

“Why isn’t the connection timing out?” Rey stood and began to pace the floor, taking in the sights.

“I don’t know, all the reading I’ve done on force bonds never mentioned one like this.”

“Force bond?” Oh dear, of course she didn’t know a thing about them. Ren didn’t know what to do with himself so he put on his shirt. A mild flash of annoyance crossed her face.

“What makes it stop?” Her coldness hurt far more than she probably intended, he tried to convince himself.

“Death. I thought Snoke’s death would do it, but perhaps he didn’t forge the link after all.”

“The who did?” She was like a bounty hunter, going in for the kill, trying to find another reason to push him away. He could see her sway slightly as she sat down on the bed. The scavenger, on an emperor’s bed. She was by far the most precious thing in this room. He would talk forever just so he could watch her lips move.

“Are you listening to me?” The drink had robbed him of his faculties. He nodded stupidly. She took another gulp of wine, having refilled her own glass earlier. 

“This stuff makes you forget the pain.” She slurred a bit. 

“Unless you make it a habit.” 

“Kind of like you but in reverse.” Ren’s mind worked on the riddle to no avail.

“Are you planning to make me a habit?”

“Well I’m certainly not intending to die.”

Ren blinked. She stood up and neared closer. He could feel his heart pounding out of his chest. She was tight in front of him, those huge doe eyes looking up at him. “But if you try to kill me again..” she whispered. She never finished her sentence, he kissed the threat out of her. His heart, his mind ringing like a deafening bell. If only he could communicate all of it with this kiss. It was impossible. If only she could know the depth of his regret. She reciprocated after initially freezing with shock, her mouth opening to him, melting into his. Then she pushed him away. Ren desperately searched her face for clues, but she was blank, inscrutable. 

Then out of the blue she began to work at the fastenings of his shirt. He leaned back in shock. Was she really doing this? She noticed the query.

“Help me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Help me before I change my mind.” He all but ripped the shirt off, utterly confused but compliant. She gazed at him, bleary eyes peeking out from sooty lashes. Those eyes traveled up from his clavicle to his cheek.

“I’m so sorry I did this to you Ben.”

“I deserved it.” _I would let you do it again._

She was stroking the strands of hair from his face, running her fingers down his cheek, over his lips. The slightest flutter of touch.

 “I’m drunk I know that, and I know I’m going to regret saying this. I’m in love with you Ben Solo. Kylo Ren.” She spat the last name out and stepped away, anguished. And just like that she was gone.

 Oh how she had left him burning. Every part of him. His face where she touched him, his heart, his cock, his conscience and his psyche. All together, like a trash heap on fire. She could not have calculated to undo him more, nor could she have known the full impact of her actions. And she already said herself that she would regret it.

 No matter, it was too late, he almost believed it.


End file.
